But did you die?

I’m fully aware I completely disappeared on my blog. This where I should go when my mind and my life turns to mush. So far I have a lot of things to me which caused me to not blog or even live the way I was before. So let me give you the run down.

Do you even still do yoga?

I do not have a studio in NJ and I’m still figuring out what I’m going to do in regards to teaching here. Doing yoga well not as much anymore to be honest I have been depressed and eating my feelings for the past couple of weeks. I lost my job after I took a leap to do something I love instead of doing the safe option which is what I normally do because I have family. It ended up burning me and I haven’t been able to find a job since. Which on a normal basis I always manage to get another job very quickly. This is the time the universe has given me to not be able to get any calls and I have submitted my resume everywhere.

Are you still on paleo?

Remember the fact that I just said I was depressed? Well when I get stressed I eat and eat and EAT. So I had about 10 unsuccessful restarts of paleo in the last few months. I’m on attempt 11. I started a group with my wild women who are trying to lose weight the healthy way without looking at the scale. We are going on how we feel and look with the change of our lifestyles. I have 70 amazing ladies in the group and 3 admins besides myself. I’m on day 3 with the ladies and the detox of the gluten and no sugar is hitting hard today. I am doing no honey, no coconut sugar. I’m basically doing whole 30 without saying it is one. I think of calling it whole 30 freaks me out but I’m jump starting eating habits. Paleo baking will be an option after these 30 days.

So how are the kids?

They are great. The best thing about my kids is that they are still happy even if mommy works, lives in a cardboard box or stays in bed all day crying. Though I try to keep it mostly together when the older 2 get home from school. During the day the baby doesn’t judge me if I stay in bed with her and watch barney or caillou until lunch and take a nap with her. They have been happy that they get to see there dad every weekend. The break has been nice to have some time to be a grown up. It seems lately Allysa is my one friend.

Are you still polyamorous?

Yes, actually I am. Last time I blogged I spoke of my issues with Wayne and spoke about K my high school bf that I had a lot of history with. Well since then Wayne and I broke up. All his lies caught up with him. Meanwhile K and I decided that we had serious feelings and wanted to date again. Surprisingly everyone that would normally freak out about this due to our long history didn’t. Even after a week my ex husband didn’t care as long as he treated me right. Basically my mom and brother did a dance of joy. I believe in their eyes if freddy krueger asked to date me they would be happy. Everyone looks better to them than my ex husband at this point. And K has always been good to me and Aries.

So What do you mean about long history with K…?

So you know that one person you might have in your life that comes in and out of your life. That no matter what you always drop everything for that person. So I dated him in high school and my ex husband basically stole me from K. Then I went back to K again for a few months then broke up and got serious with my ex husband and got married and had Aries. And then with my poor decision making skills and the fact that I was unhappy in my new marriage. I called K up to have dinner with him and ended up cheating on my ex-husband with him. My ex-husband found out and me and him stayed separated for a year because of this while I stayed in a relationship with K.  During this time I did get pregnant and due to the fact that K was young and not ready to be a dad and I couldn’t afford to be a single mom of 2 kids. I had my first and only abortion. I have always regretted it and took it really hard. I didn’t have the emotion support from K during that time and I let my ex husband back in. K and I broke up officially. Months later after struggling me and my ex husband gave it another try with our marriage and had Arielle. He also go into the army and we pcsed to TN and that was the end of that. During the 7 years of not being in contact with K, he went on his own path of drugs, alcohol and partying. The only time I heard from him during my time in TN was when he called me to tell me his dad died suddenly to a complication during a surgery. The death of his dad changed him like being in a marriage of abuse for 8 years changed me. When reconnecting now our relationship is so different. We tend to understand each other better. My mom always use to tell me when I was younger I only dated men that were broken toys so I could help them. In many ways I feel like the broken toy at this point.

What about your girlfriend?  

T and I our still together. And hitting our 6 year together on the 13th of this month. It’s been a long journey with us going from a regular relationship to a poly triad to just a poly relationship. I still love her just as much as the moment I met her. She is the other half of me. She has been busting her ass just to support our bills while I’m unemployed. She has 2 jobs which always makes me feel shitty for not being able to give her more in general. On top of that her dad is still sick and her dealing with the stress of that has been killer. One thing is for sure no matter what she will always be that one person I pick over all. I love her more than anything and so do our kids.

So whats next for me…?

I started school for my bachelor’s in business management. So I will keep applying to jobs while I work on schooling. I’m sick of not having any education to fall back on plus this will help me when I’m ready to open my own business in the future. Continue seeing what my options are for teaching and get it my life on some track. The first step was stop hiding from my blog. I will update on a weekly basis from now on. Alot of you sent me messages and love that all of you cared to check on me

till next time,

10325353_10152978373156209_6623193639765956428_n(3)

Advertisements

My story

People always ask me about my story or what shaped me into the person I am right now. So I figured I could share with you guys as well because I’m sure you guys are curious.

If I start from the beginning, I could say that I have always been a pretty responsible child. I had to be some of the things I witnessed growing up shaped my thoughts on relationships should work. My father was very abusive to my mom. He was unsupportive of anything she did. The kind of guy to take the battery out of your car when your going to school or throw your keys in the backyard when it was night. And of course hit her, scream at her and brake her down.

I’m 5 years older than my brother so there was alot I tried to shield him from. The beatings I took for leaving a dish in the sink or for my brother because he was far to young to understand that everything in our lives at that point was subject to beatings.

In addition to that I was raped in middle school by a boy who was supposed to be my friend.  I had a bit of a mental breakdown which resulted in me not being in school for the rest of Middle school. I was worked on intensely to get through what had happened to me. But the thing that stuck by me the most was the fact that my mom stuck by me and my father told me he thought the whole thing was a lie I thought up for attention.

My parents got separated and divorced shortly after. Living with my mom and my brother away from him was beyond liberating.  I had a freedom that I wasn’t use to and of course I abused it by doing things that were out of character.  Drinking, partying, sex, and  smoking were a few of my pretty reckless things.

I met my ex husband at 17 and everything changed for me. He seemed like the right guy, the kind guy to the point where my mom would joke about him being whipped.

I got pregnant fall after we graduated high school. I was in love with Aries before I met him. I remember playing a perfect circle to my belly and he would just kick and kick. Being so ill during his pregnancy made me grow up in a way I never thought I could. I was in the hospital 8 times that year due to my kidneys having a blockage. It kept me with over 103 fevers. I worried if I would lose Aries during all of this since all my doctors wanted to just focus on my health and not both of us. 

I got married at 19 and had Aries 2 months after. He was beautiful and a happy boy. During this time my ex started to verbally and physically abuse me. It lasted our whole marriage. Aries got diagnosed with autism and my ex never dealt with it. I raised Aries and Arielle by myself. My ex joined the army and we moved to TN.

It was hard to deal with the controlling me, the abuse and try to raise my kids. He knew I had nothing and no one but him. He cheated many times and as a result to everything I ate and I ate.

This went on for almost 8 years until he threatened to kill me in my sleep. I took charge and told him i couldn’t do this anymore. The hardest moment of my life was to look in my children’s faces and realize that if I stayed with him they most likely wouldn’t remember me if he had killed me. So I had to break the cycle for them. So last April 1st we got separated he got out of the army and moved back to NJ.

Last july after a pretty stressful visit to NJ for the kids a friend told me I needed to check out raja hot yoga and take a billy class.  I did the next morning at a 915. Went to the studio, paid and took a class from billy. I was still overweight, and very unflexible I listened to him preach from his heart while we did the raja series. He talked about needing to let go and start fresh. And that your life is just beginning and not over as if he knew me. I came back the next day at the same time and got my first unlimited month.

During my 8 months of going to raja I have become flexible,  opened my heart, gained more patience, became more spiritual,  lost 57lbs and 6 inches, and above all else I learned to live and love my life. I can say that yoga saved my life. But specifically raja hot yoga gave me my life back. I made a family there and friends. They have gotten me through the toughest part of my life  and got me to love myself. Words can’t even describe everything I have gone through with them but what I know I always use to say that in one hour I get my therapy, my church, my workout and as many hugs you could take.

No matter all that i have gone through I have become a stronger person from it all. And I can’t wait to inspire others to get through the hardest parts of their lives as well. 

Till we meet again

image