But did you die?

I’m fully aware I completely disappeared on my blog. This where I should go when my mind and my life turns to mush. So far I have a lot of things to me which caused me to not blog or even live the way I was before. So let me give you the run down.

Do you even still do yoga?

I do not have a studio in NJ and I’m still figuring out what I’m going to do in regards to teaching here. Doing yoga well not as much anymore to be honest I have been depressed and eating my feelings for the past couple of weeks. I lost my job after I took a leap to do something I love instead of doing the safe option which is what I normally do because I have family. It ended up burning me and I haven’t been able to find a job since. Which on a normal basis I always manage to get another job very quickly. This is the time the universe has given me to not be able to get any calls and I have submitted my resume everywhere.

Are you still on paleo?

Remember the fact that I just said I was depressed? Well when I get stressed I eat and eat and EAT. So I had about 10 unsuccessful restarts of paleo in the last few months. I’m on attempt 11. I started a group with my wild women who are trying to lose weight the healthy way without looking at the scale. We are going on how we feel and look with the change of our lifestyles. I have 70 amazing ladies in the group and 3 admins besides myself. I’m on day 3 with the ladies and the detox of the gluten and no sugar is hitting hard today. I am doing no honey, no coconut sugar. I’m basically doing whole 30 without saying it is one. I think of calling it whole 30 freaks me out but I’m jump starting eating habits. Paleo baking will be an option after these 30 days.

So how are the kids?

They are great. The best thing about my kids is that they are still happy even if mommy works, lives in a cardboard box or stays in bed all day crying. Though I try to keep it mostly together when the older 2 get home from school. During the day the baby doesn’t judge me if I stay in bed with her and watch barney or caillou until lunch and take a nap with her. They have been happy that they get to see there dad every weekend. The break has been nice to have some time to be a grown up. It seems lately Allysa is my one friend.

Are you still polyamorous?

Yes, actually I am. Last time I blogged I spoke of my issues with Wayne and spoke about K my high school bf that I had a lot of history with. Well since then Wayne and I broke up. All his lies caught up with him. Meanwhile K and I decided that we had serious feelings and wanted to date again. Surprisingly everyone that would normally freak out about this due to our long history didn’t. Even after a week my ex husband didn’t care as long as he treated me right. Basically my mom and brother did a dance of joy. I believe in their eyes if freddy krueger asked to date me they would be happy. Everyone looks better to them than my ex husband at this point. And K has always been good to me and Aries.

So What do you mean about long history with K…?

So you know that one person you might have in your life that comes in and out of your life. That no matter what you always drop everything for that person. So I dated him in high school and my ex husband basically stole me from K. Then I went back to K again for a few months then broke up and got serious with my ex husband and got married and had Aries. And then with my poor decision making skills and the fact that I was unhappy in my new marriage. I called K up to have dinner with him and ended up cheating on my ex-husband with him. My ex-husband found out and me and him stayed separated for a year because of this while I stayed in a relationship with K.  During this time I did get pregnant and due to the fact that K was young and not ready to be a dad and I couldn’t afford to be a single mom of 2 kids. I had my first and only abortion. I have always regretted it and took it really hard. I didn’t have the emotion support from K during that time and I let my ex husband back in. K and I broke up officially. Months later after struggling me and my ex husband gave it another try with our marriage and had Arielle. He also go into the army and we pcsed to TN and that was the end of that. During the 7 years of not being in contact with K, he went on his own path of drugs, alcohol and partying. The only time I heard from him during my time in TN was when he called me to tell me his dad died suddenly to a complication during a surgery. The death of his dad changed him like being in a marriage of abuse for 8 years changed me. When reconnecting now our relationship is so different. We tend to understand each other better. My mom always use to tell me when I was younger I only dated men that were broken toys so I could help them. In many ways I feel like the broken toy at this point.

What about your girlfriend?  

T and I our still together. And hitting our 6 year together on the 13th of this month. It’s been a long journey with us going from a regular relationship to a poly triad to just a poly relationship. I still love her just as much as the moment I met her. She is the other half of me. She has been busting her ass just to support our bills while I’m unemployed. She has 2 jobs which always makes me feel shitty for not being able to give her more in general. On top of that her dad is still sick and her dealing with the stress of that has been killer. One thing is for sure no matter what she will always be that one person I pick over all. I love her more than anything and so do our kids.

So whats next for me…?

I started school for my bachelor’s in business management. So I will keep applying to jobs while I work on schooling. I’m sick of not having any education to fall back on plus this will help me when I’m ready to open my own business in the future. Continue seeing what my options are for teaching and get it my life on some track. The first step was stop hiding from my blog. I will update on a weekly basis from now on. Alot of you sent me messages and love that all of you cared to check on me

till next time,

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Confessions

I will admit in this blog I’m not as zen like as I look like in pictures. I’m annoying most days, a pain in the ass, anal, and so focused on my dreams that it seems like I’m not paying attention to what’s going on.

I will admit I fall in love much too easily.  That I might be way too easy in the bedroom. And that might all be because I look for any attention from men and  it’s not all the positive type. I admit I blame the over sexual situations on my “daddy issues”. I admit I just don’t want to take responsibility for thinking the sex will keep a man around. I admit when those relationships end I know it was mostly because I was too easy.  I also admit I make the same mistake with the next guy.

I admit that I don’t think anyone is good enough for my ex-husband.  Even though we can’t be together and that we weren’t meant to be together other than to help each other though the journey of being a army family and of course to have these amazing kids doesn’t mean I don’t want anything less than happiness for him. I give him a hard time and push his buttons on purpose to hurt him like I’ve been hurt. Of course making it hard to be friends or co-parent.

I admit I think that I’m a better parent than my ex husband.  That when the kids are with him I think he’s washing my good parenting down the drain. And I admit I cry everytime they have to spend the night with him and it kills me when the kids say they miss him. I admit that I wish the kids could see the neglect he did in the past with them and make him own up to his mistakes instead of treating him like he could do no wrong.

I admit I push the ones that love me the most away because I sometimes don’t know how to love back appropriately.  I admit I try to make them hate me so I don’t have to deal with the disappointment of them leaving me. I admit I like to say everything happens to me when really I create most of these situations and when they end poorly I blame others.

I admit I’m not perfect. I admit I’m hot headed,  strong willed, always right even when I’m not, determined,  and as foul mouthed as a sailor.

I’m a yogini which means I love yoga and I’m a teacher.  But nothing about me is the yogi lifestyle.  I admit am jealous and envious of what others can do. I admit I lead with my body more than with my heart and mind. I admit I’m a mess.

I admit I know there are things I need to change about myself. And admitting is the first step in changing the parts of you that create harm in others lives. I wouldn’t be a good wiccan if I didn’t realize that I’m manifesting alot of negative so I must start except and start trying to bring more positive in my life.

I admit this is the first time I have been honest about alot of this.

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Till next time