But did you die?

I’m fully aware I completely disappeared on my blog. This where I should go when my mind and my life turns to mush. So far I have a lot of things to me which caused me to not blog or even live the way I was before. So let me give you the run down.

Do you even still do yoga?

I do not have a studio in NJ and I’m still figuring out what I’m going to do in regards to teaching here. Doing yoga well not as much anymore to be honest I have been depressed and eating my feelings for the past couple of weeks. I lost my job after I took a leap to do something I love instead of doing the safe option which is what I normally do because I have family. It ended up burning me and I haven’t been able to find a job since. Which on a normal basis I always manage to get another job very quickly. This is the time the universe has given me to not be able to get any calls and I have submitted my resume everywhere.

Are you still on paleo?

Remember the fact that I just said I was depressed? Well when I get stressed I eat and eat and EAT. So I had about 10 unsuccessful restarts of paleo in the last few months. I’m on attempt 11. I started a group with my wild women who are trying to lose weight the healthy way without looking at the scale. We are going on how we feel and look with the change of our lifestyles. I have 70 amazing ladies in the group and 3 admins besides myself. I’m on day 3 with the ladies and the detox of the gluten and no sugar is hitting hard today. I am doing no honey, no coconut sugar. I’m basically doing whole 30 without saying it is one. I think of calling it whole 30 freaks me out but I’m jump starting eating habits. Paleo baking will be an option after these 30 days.

So how are the kids?

They are great. The best thing about my kids is that they are still happy even if mommy works, lives in a cardboard box or stays in bed all day crying. Though I try to keep it mostly together when the older 2 get home from school. During the day the baby doesn’t judge me if I stay in bed with her and watch barney or caillou until lunch and take a nap with her. They have been happy that they get to see there dad every weekend. The break has been nice to have some time to be a grown up. It seems lately Allysa is my one friend.

Are you still polyamorous?

Yes, actually I am. Last time I blogged I spoke of my issues with Wayne and spoke about K my high school bf that I had a lot of history with. Well since then Wayne and I broke up. All his lies caught up with him. Meanwhile K and I decided that we had serious feelings and wanted to date again. Surprisingly everyone that would normally freak out about this due to our long history didn’t. Even after a week my ex husband didn’t care as long as he treated me right. Basically my mom and brother did a dance of joy. I believe in their eyes if freddy krueger asked to date me they would be happy. Everyone looks better to them than my ex husband at this point. And K has always been good to me and Aries.

So What do you mean about long history with K…?

So you know that one person you might have in your life that comes in and out of your life. That no matter what you always drop everything for that person. So I dated him in high school and my ex husband basically stole me from K. Then I went back to K again for a few months then broke up and got serious with my ex husband and got married and had Aries. And then with my poor decision making skills and the fact that I was unhappy in my new marriage. I called K up to have dinner with him and ended up cheating on my ex-husband with him. My ex-husband found out and me and him stayed separated for a year because of this while I stayed in a relationship with K.  During this time I did get pregnant and due to the fact that K was young and not ready to be a dad and I couldn’t afford to be a single mom of 2 kids. I had my first and only abortion. I have always regretted it and took it really hard. I didn’t have the emotion support from K during that time and I let my ex husband back in. K and I broke up officially. Months later after struggling me and my ex husband gave it another try with our marriage and had Arielle. He also go into the army and we pcsed to TN and that was the end of that. During the 7 years of not being in contact with K, he went on his own path of drugs, alcohol and partying. The only time I heard from him during my time in TN was when he called me to tell me his dad died suddenly to a complication during a surgery. The death of his dad changed him like being in a marriage of abuse for 8 years changed me. When reconnecting now our relationship is so different. We tend to understand each other better. My mom always use to tell me when I was younger I only dated men that were broken toys so I could help them. In many ways I feel like the broken toy at this point.

What about your girlfriend?  

T and I our still together. And hitting our 6 year together on the 13th of this month. It’s been a long journey with us going from a regular relationship to a poly triad to just a poly relationship. I still love her just as much as the moment I met her. She is the other half of me. She has been busting her ass just to support our bills while I’m unemployed. She has 2 jobs which always makes me feel shitty for not being able to give her more in general. On top of that her dad is still sick and her dealing with the stress of that has been killer. One thing is for sure no matter what she will always be that one person I pick over all. I love her more than anything and so do our kids.

So whats next for me…?

I started school for my bachelor’s in business management. So I will keep applying to jobs while I work on schooling. I’m sick of not having any education to fall back on plus this will help me when I’m ready to open my own business in the future. Continue seeing what my options are for teaching and get it my life on some track. The first step was stop hiding from my blog. I will update on a weekly basis from now on. Alot of you sent me messages and love that all of you cared to check on me

till next time,

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Many loves many lives

I’ve been in a expanding and my thoughts to be my most happiest self. A current topic that keeps crossing my mind is introducing lovers in addition to my gf and my bf. I’ve started to move to the mind set that there is alot of love to be had in this world. And I don’t want to not be able to try and venture out. My life nor my love should have limitations.

As of lately I ended up in the hospital due to a staph infection in my middle finger.I was in there for 4 days. I was so drugged and off of paleo bc of the pain. During that time my boss dad who had cancer died. The day after I got out of the hospital I was at the funeral and the wake. It was so touching how my boss and his family took me in like I was one of them. We laughed and cried. It was so touching and I feel blessed to know them. It only reminded me that I don’t have that with my actual parents. But Regardless I will always be there for my kids so they will never feel the lack of support I have with my family.

For the last few weeks I reconnected with a ex named K. He was a childhood relationship. He’s ended up being a big support for me for the last few weeks. It’s been really surprising that we still have so much in common and the connection is still there. I want to explore that further. I’m pretty sure when we reconnected neither one of us thought this would end up being anything but just a hi and bye conversation. But I believe there is nothing random about people in your life. He was put into it for a reason to remind me how I feel about him.

I have been rocking my yoga challenges and I started the whole life challenge. Which is 55 days but I’m going to keep going as long as I can. I haven’t fallen off so far and I’m on day 8. I. The norm I would have fallen off already. So woohoo me.

Lately I have been really into mediating out my conflicts. This has been helpful since it’s been keeping me from loosing myself in anger. Although I completely lost my cool on the bf and the nonsense he’s been putting me through for the past few weeks. I stayed silence and hopeful that all that would get better. And he mostly felt it wasn’t something of importance to change or rather work through. So I exploded on him because he was taking my kindness for granted. We ended up fighting all weekend because he was trying to pacify me instead of coming up with helpful ways to fix the problems. It’s created dishearting feelings for me with our relationship. The point is I need to be respected, loved and honored as I do to all my partners and he hasn’t been doing the same.

Till next time
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Traveling

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So first this trip has been particularly hard on me due to me not taking it with my family.  I have never traveled without my kids. But they are still in school so it only made sense to leave them them with there other mom since we are moving in only 24 short days.

Secondly I decided mostly because of financial reasons to take the bus which of course prolongs the trip which would be only a few short hours by plane or train (though it not an option train wise in TN due to there not being any trains here). For some reason it was hard for me to tell anyone I was taking the bus due to the faces I would get making that decision.  They all assumed I was flying in and i didnt tell them otherwise. But regardless because we are making this big move in a few short weeks this was the best way to do it.

Third I would be doing this trip as a paleo yogi. Which means everywhere we stop for food would not be paleo. Case and point it’s 3:40 am and we have stopped in Virginia for 45 mins for our breakfast at… McDonald’s 😱. Considering I’m allergic to soy and  vegetable oil is made from soy bean oil I can not eat here at all and the only a person not only with an allergy could eat healthy is oatmeal here but it is a grain and I can not eat grains on paleo. There for 21hrs of a trip of places I can not eat is  wearing on me alittle.  I do have things I packed such as apple chips, tuna, apple sauces and coconut water to get me through this. I’m sure this will at least help me not gain since I’m not able to work out till I get to NJ.

Fourth I’m a active yogi.  I feel restricted in this little moving box with wheels. I want to do yoga,  run, weight train hell even spin class right now then sitting down.

Fifth and I think this is the most important is that due to the many stops on this trip I have only been able to sleep 2hrs so far. Not that I sleep well on a normal basis because I do not this only worsen this . I’m sure I will sleep longer than I have in many months once I get to my mother’s house.

And the only thing that is driving me is that I want this job, I need this job no they need me. I can say a million reasons why I can be amazing for this position and believe me I will to them. But this would certainly be one of them how many people would travel 21hrs for this interview knowing they would barely eat the whole time and sleep? Not many at all I’m sure. I know that of I’m meant to have this job the universe will just let it be. And I will out shine the rest.

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Till next time…

Snow day

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We had a terrible ice storm last night. It was basically the first real snow we have had all winter.  But from living in TN for 5 years I knew that it was going to be a state of emergency.  They don’t handle any weather other than sunny and hot very well. No matter the kids were out of school today and because I can work from home I changed my schedule to not leave the house since there had been 150 accidents over night.

The kids and I did yoga this morning and I did some training for work after.
The kids wanted to work on inversions.

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Aries rocking a headstand. 

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Arielle rocking crow.

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Allysa being assisted in her head stand.

And I finally got headstand. I was so excited I screamed for my lady which caused me to fall into the kids toy bucket lol.

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I have been working on this since july. It honestly made my day. The emotions attached to getting a hard pose feels overwhelming when you finally get it. And 2014 has felt like just that, being able to let go of my hurt, my heartache, and my emotion scars from my ex husband. Being able to attract good and positive in my life feels like a clean slate.

School is also cancelled tomorrow and morning yoga classes are cancelled as well. They have been closed all day but I’m not worried. I worked on a 2 hr play list and turned the heater up high in the bedroom.  Sounds like a night of hot yoga with Arielle and my lady. She really wanted to do my practice this morning but Aries wanted to do kids yoga ABC’s so now we all win.

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Forgot I wanted to put the recipe for my paleo pancakes from this morning
1 cup of sunflower seeds
1 egg
1 1/2 bananas
1tsp coconut milk

And blend up and there are the most yummy grain free, nut free pancakes 🙂

Till we meet again…